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Rydergirl
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Name: Stephanie
Birthday: 5/14/1981
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading, writting, singing,teaching, riding, drawing, painting, sculpting, dancing, acting, speaking. Trying to just be who I was ment to be.
Expertise: Learning from all the classic blunders I make.
Occupation: Student
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
1/28/2004
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| I don't date... never have, not in 27 years of life.
See, I was a teenager in the era when the book "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" swept through Christian circles and seriously stunted the inter-relational grow of girls and boys in youth groups everywhere. So everyone was so anti-dating, so afraid of falling into sexual sin, so afraid of falling in love with someone who you would not end up spending the rest of your life with the some of us never figured out how to even get started in a relationship for fear of what might happen at the end. So, I never learned how to let a guy know I was interested in him (Of course, to some a girl pursuing a relationship at all is akin to being a harlot). That and I never had the self confidence to accurately read what guys thought of me. So I didn't date, still don't. But now I think maybe I am ready to start, but the question is... where and with whom...
My father says I should go to church, that it's the best place to meet guys, but I'm not so sure. Christian guys often believe that God will bring them their ideal woman, often this is the equivilant of a Christian barbie doll. And while I am many wonderful things, a barbie doll I am not. I am also extremely liberal in my views of the world and in my understanding of my relationship with God. I have not yet met a Christian man who understands that side of me.
Now I have friends who do the whole bar scene. But that's not my thing, because, see... I'm not going to have sex with anyone until I am married. It's just this thing I have. And it's not because I am repressed or fridged. Trust me, if I did not believe that this was an important commitment in my life that will pay off in the fullness of time I would be a total slut. Sometimes my hormones rage so much that if not for my commitment to my future spouse (whoever and where ever he may be) I would give myself to any willing person... But random acts of lust are not my style. I have had one drunken make-out session in my life and it left me feeling confused and empty, not really my cup o' tea.
Online dating is a little weird, because people read my interests and activities and think "wow, she's a smart, active, creative caring person," or"wow, she does yoga, i wonder if she can get her legs behind her head, or knows about the karma sutra." The second group of people can just go away because, well, read the previous paragraph. The first group of people, however seem to expect me to look like a certain type of person, based on my interests and activitly level, when they realize I am over weight, they lose interest. And I can't blame them, we all like different things. I have an a compulsive, biological attraction to very tall, almost too skinny men. I think it has something to do with me being short and round and them being tall and skinny and my chemicals signaling to me that we would make wonderfully averaged sized babies. But I have been attracted to all different shapes and sizes based on first getting to know someone. But internet dating is so much a picture popularity contest... I really don't see how anyone meets anyone online. Perhaps this is me lacking self confidence, but I can't really believe that anyone responding to my online add would actually find me attractive in person.
So here I am, wanting to find someone to love and feeling very much like a small, small fish in a big, big pond full scary and dangerous other fish ready to eat my alive, or ignore me, or treat me with pity, which is way worse. I am a 27 year woman with the fragile heart of a 15 year girl. It sometimes makes it hard for me to relate to others, there is this vast world of experience that I have missed out on. Somethings I will gladly pass on, but other things, that I see my friend enjoying... I want to jump up and down and shout to God "my turn, my turn."
I am now older than my mother was when she married my father, and while I am in no hurry to get married... I wonder if my actions and choices have caused love to pass me by. I really enjoy the freedom of not having anyone to consider in my daily plans. But I am starting to wonder if I would be willing to give that up to know what love is.
Seriously God, isn't 27 years a long enough wait? | | |
|   So this is what I did last weekend...
And this is what I am doing this weekend Acroyoga.org | | |
| Check out this website to see what I get to do twice a week. www.acroyoga.org And if you're in the area let me know and we can play. | | |
| yes, i will admit it. I have been spending most of my computer time on facebook. but i think we can work this out. please do not be angry... | | |
| It's true. But so often in my life I have relied upon others to clue me in as to who I am. They say, "you are creative," "you are nice," youare smart," "you are a teacher." Sometimes it goes the other way "you are not an athlete," "you are not good at organization," "you are not attractive."
And sometimes, the "they" is me.
Infact, when I choose to be limited by a label it's always me doing it. I can listen to others, but they can not place their lable on me unless I choose to accept it. Likewise, I can choose to limit myself by creating stories around an idea and say "this here... this discription is who I am." Thankfully my saying doesn't make it anymore true than if somebody else says it.
This is not to say that I can not make true observations of myself, or that others can not see the fact of my everyday life. But never does truth limit me in my being. And I think this is because truth about situations is changeable, but the truth of who I am is unchangeble.
I feel I am getting in over my head here so I am going to stop before I hurt myself.
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